Over the past week I've been mulling over my state of affairs. No writing. Thinking. Reflecting. Considering.
I've been thinking about my day-to-day activities and long-term plans. As a stay-at-home mom, I've got a pretty good gig. I can't get fired, I don't get performance reviews (most of the time), and I get to spend time with my kids, volunteer at school and care for my family.
But it's no secret that women often lose their identities while raising children. On the one hand, you embark on the best and most difficult job you'll ever have. On the other, you put yourself on the back burner. Oh, alright, you can disagree if you want or think it won't happen to you. I never thought it would happen to me. I would NEVER lose myself or step off my path.
In college I had nothing but disdain for the female students attending simply to get their "MRS" degree. I had better things to do. However, things didn't go according to plan. As they say, "Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans." Nothing tragic or disappointing. Just not many of the things I had envisioned.
I am, afterall, the sum total of my choices and experiences. No one held a gun to my head and forced me to do something I didn't want to do. I happily made my choices.
I've been thinking and thinking about what I want to be "when I grow up" and I still don't have a clue. I'm troubled that I somehow morphed from a focused child/young person, seemingly without notice, into an adult in a perpetual state of limbo. It's not efficient (read: thrifty) or very satisfying. I know that I'm the only one that can do anything about it. But it's hard to do.
Let's face it, I'm not Madonna and don't have her preternatural ability to constantly reinvent herself.
Damn.
Amen Sister. I don't know a mom who has not gone through this. It's a constant evaluation and renovation. What can you slip in between your tasks and deliverables (which ARE 24/7 and unending)that stokes that part of your spirit that is just about your self worth in the world. We know our role as a mother is very important but it's difficult to have a sense of our success with so many factors at play. I applaud your honesty and shining light on something we all mull over, often.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. Sometimes the way I feel about all of this can even change from day to day. One day things are going smoothly and I literally can't remember why I was "unsatisfied with things" the day before. Then something changes and I can be right back there again. It is a weird time in life...
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty. Keep thinking, hanging in there, and sitting with it all.
Suzita and Boulder Locavore --
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the support. I shed a few tears writing this one. . .